Two Years Later

Two years feels like it went very fast.  I was talking to my sister the other day and told her how a part of me is starting to feel like my dad has been gone longer than he was here.  It's not true, I had 23 years with him, but it's getting harder to remember what life was like with him here.  This makes me so sad.  My mom pointed out that it really has been longer than two years, he was pretty sick for a while before that.

Similarly to last year, the lead up to today has been very hard.  A couple days ago, when I realized how close we were to today, it felt like my mind went into autopilot and everything else stopped.  Like I'm just going through the motions of my day and not really living them.  It's hard to describe, but it's the same way I felt leading up to the day my dad died.

Over this past year, a tough part has definitely been thinking about the future.  If I start to picture the next ten years or so of my life, one of the hardest things to think about is having kids without my dad here.  I won't get to tell him he will be a grandpa or get to watch him with my babies.  Every time I let my mind go there I get pretty upset and kind of shut down the thought process.

In my "One Year Later" post last year, I wrote about feeling jealous of seeing others with their dads.  That hasn't been as difficult this year.  I was able to watch a great friend of mine with her dad the other day and it made my heart so happy.  The jealousy comes into play when people aren't grateful or don't realize what they have.  One thing I've shared with friends is to be thankful for the time you have with parents and to really hold every moment close to your heart.  This way of thinking has helped shape a lot of relationships in my life for the better, and being aware of how insignificant some things are that could cause trouble in friendships or relationships.  Realizing what really matters and not letting the small things get to you is so important in life.  It's short enough as it is, why let stress or arguments that don't even matter get to you?

Another thing I've realized this year is how thankful I am for my mom.  I've known that I have a great mom, but after losing my dad she has shown me how strong she is and I've watched her continue to grow as a person even after losing half of her world.  I talked to her this morning and she told me that she shared a photo today with the quote "To the world you may have been one person, but to us you were the world."  The quote is originally "...to one person you may be the world," but, as she she, to me earlier "he was our whole world."

Writing about another year without my dad is hard because a lot of what I'm feeling is not easy to put into words.  I want to write about it so that I can look back on how I was feeling, and to give those going through a similar situation insight into my processing of life without a parent.

I would like to thank my husband, my family and friends for not forgetting about my dad and for being an amazing support system for me.  You make a huge difference even if it doesn't seem like it.